Friends

I had dinner with a friend last night who I hadn't seen in at least two years. We had a great time & ended up talking for 4 hours.
I was nervous about having dinner with her because of how we meant & I know my husband doesn't fully trust me. Will he ever trust me with friends?
I started thinking about the friends I have in my life & how I have nobody I can pour my heart out to. With D I didn't think twice about saying something to offend her or something too off color. We talked about how most women are caddy & back stabbers with friendships & why great friends are hard to come by. I wonder if men have this same problem?
I've always had more male friends then female. I'm ok with it. When I stopped drinking one of my closes friends ending up saying "You can a couple long island iced teas" Some friend huh?
I'm just babbling today... I have a lot on my mind... D said I must have a ping-pong ball or two bouncing around in there somewhere, I can't keep a train of thought to save my life. She listened to me talk about my marriage & said I really don't have a clue what I'm doing.. Finally someone gets it, I don't have a fucking clue! I don't have a grand plan. The only thing I want is peace, respect, trust & freedom.

A reminder to myself

I want a divorce. There I said it.. Please respect this decision & me. I’m done fighting for what I thought I want. I have no energy. I’m so tired. We both deserve more. You deserve someone to love you. I deserve trust & support in my life. The fact you read my emails upsets me & the fact you copied them makes me sick to my stomach. It’s a total invasion of my privacy & you seem to think nothing of it. I sat down after lunch & realized most of the stress in my life is your problems you have with me. I need peace. I need comfort. I’m doing this for me. This is my life & I’m at a point where I don’t want to share it with anyone but Hannah. I don’t want to have to ask or involve anyone. Call it selfish or whatever. I’m sorry. Sorry I wasn’t strong enough to voice my problems years ago. Sorry I was weak & didn’t stand up to you. Sorry I can’t forget the past. Sorry I take everything to heart. This is my life & my decision. I know I should tell you all this in person but I don’t feel comfortable enough to know you would let me leave or do whatever to talk me out of it.

I wrote that note a few weeks ago & need to remind myself not of getting a divorce but what I want & expect. I need to remember not to let my guard down or to let things slide. I have been nit-picking lately & hate coming off that way. But I will not lower my exceptions.
For so long I was a wife who would let herself get walked all over, never speak her mind & avoid confrontation at all cost. That is not the person I want to be any longer. I'm trying my hardest to walk a fine line of having a voice, getting what I need out of life & a partner and not sound like a total bitch.

Time of change...

Well I'm doing it.. I'm moving to a different city & away from my comfort zone. Sink or swim it's all no me now. I want to live with no regrets. I need to take control.
I need to do this for me & I know not everyone will understand. My husband tells me he has people telling him why I can't stay with him & work on finding myself at the same time... People who haven't been in a controlling & verbally abusive marriage can not understand.
I don't want a divorce, I want support & understanding. I want to be able to live my life. I have always lived my life for someone else.. 1st is was my parents & then it was my husband. He tells me he'll give me space & time to fall back in love with him.... For now we'll stay married.. Not date anyone.. I'll move & find out what I want in my life. Time will only tell!
I can never forgive for him saying I was worthless in front of our daughter. Verbal abusive is something that takes a toll on your soul & your self worth & now I'm left to pick up the pieces. I don't have the energy in invest in a relationship. I need to focus on my needs & wants.

Happy F***ing Birthday

I recently turned 34! I'm in my "late" 30's as a friend so kindly put it & I guess it's time to take stock of my life. What have a I learned up until now?

• Nothing is better then a great fitting bra.
• Speak your mind.
• You can never have enough shoes.
• Be honest with yourself.
• Be honest with those close to you.
• Don't give too much to people who take advantage of it.
• Say no & stand by it.
• Happiness needs to come from within yourself.

I have thought lately about my life & lack of direction. Like many women I was married young, started a family & didn't think much of a career. I always found such joy in taking care of my family. And now with my daughter 14 & my marriage on the rocks, I find myself empty. I have this desire to make things better. I want to search out ways to help. I want to make a difference.

I'm searching... Searching for myself... Searching for answers...

Welcome!