My therapist mentioned or rather told me to view every conversation with sense of curiosity. But I still have a hard time becoming defensive and then withdrawn, when I'm in an argument. How do I remind myself what I know?
Where do I go from here and where will my choices take me?
I'm so lost...
When do I say enough is enough?
I wake up some mornings & know what I want out of the day then as the day goes on, my thoughts get more foggy, more confused & a lot more about pleasing others. How in the world do I carry that morning sureness into the day? How do I get to the point where I'm happy at night?
What do we need out of relationships?
What is healthy?
Attachment vs. Love
Can you see the forest through the tress...
Can the whole picture be seen when you're standing too close...
I've been struggling with myself for a while & I need to come to terms with my needs...
I do have a mind of my own...
My ideal relationship would feel... ???
Saying things makes the thought real.
I read something today that totally made since & rang very true with myself.. I never formed the words as well as she did.
I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who are comfortable separating the sex they have with the people they are, but I'm not. The sex I have is as much a part of who I am as the girl who loves to bake for her office coworkers. I mean, it's part of my identity. As much as I am a generous woman, I am a sexual one with a big love for intimacy and passion. I'm given to doting on partners, and I love selfishly receiving. I'm keen on orgasms. But I'm also keen on taking all night to get there sometimes. I seek power almost only in sexual exchanges, though sometimes in my life; but certainly there's a part of me that does seek that power. To deny that she exists, or to wrongly assert she's just a "mode" I operate under, would be to blatantly ignore a core part of who I can be, and often am.
Wow.. How true! For a while I did think it was something I needed to change about myself but then I realized if changed that I would fundamentally change who I am & how I view life.
How each of us gets to that point where we stop segregating who we are sexually with who we think we are morally, and realizing they don't have to be separate people, that we can (and often are) both, is a struggle I think some of us will be fighting for our whole lives. There will be no easy answer to how you get to that point of accepting the coexistence of your sexuality and your morality, and the realization that one need not cancel out the other.
Wow... Why is it so difficult, scary or for people to realize they are who they are? Outside forces tell how we should think, dress, what is right or wrong. While I'm not talking about murder; laws are here to protect people from harm. I'm talking about what makes us happy. What makes you tick? If you repress that part of you to show the world what is false, does anybody know the real you? Do you trust the world to know the real person? Do you know yourself well enough to be confident?
I'm almost to the point where you can like me or piss off. But I'm lacking confidence in myself. I don't know myself well enough not to let outside forces mold me. I'm hoping that will change soon.
As I think what I want out of life a few things keep coming up time & time again.. I want to Enjoy. Enjoy my life & that means slowing down. Time to enjoy great food, good music & amusing people.
As I sit here eating my way through a bag of ginger snaps, yes I stress eat, I asked my self when will I stop living my life for others?
I've had a plan all along & why do I listen to others & let them put doubt in my head?
My daughter told me today over dinner I'm the dumbest person she knows because I want to move to a different city. I'll will have enough money to get by for little over a month & look for a job full time. I want a job were I feel more then just a pawn... I want fulfillment... I to make a difference... I want to leave the world a little better then it was... What I don't want is just a fucking paycheck... I do not want to live for the money.
When she was talking at me, I could see her dad.
Why won't anyone trust me? Why does everyone think they know what's better for me then me?
I’m looking over my shoulder and not looking forward. I need to stop looking back & pay attention to the road ahead. He’s right I’m not letting go of the past because it gives me strength to move forward. That terrified girl is who I draw on when I see myself slipping & wanting to please everyone but myself. I need her to be a part of my life & that leaves no room for the cause of my pain. As I sit here I think about verbal abusive I can feel myself shrink & that is a feeling that scares me to death. I want to forget the pain but I can’t forget the courage it took to finally end my suffering. It’s a fine line I walk everyday; what to let go & what to keep.
Love is a flame that burns everything other than itself. It is the destruction of all that is false and the fulfillment of all that is true...
True Love is far greater than anything that could be called personal. True Love is a non-personal miracle. It is the nature of reality itself. It is the natural and spontaneous expression of the undivided self.
Intuition of this degree of Love magnetically draws the individual toward it, and at the same time, causes fear to arise. This Love is seeking the dissolution of all separateness, all me-ness, all self concern.
Love cares not for the me, it cares only for that which is true, undivided and whole.When the me dissolves, when it surrenders itself to a unity far greater than anything the mind can comprehend, that is Love.
Non-personal Love is not a feeling, yet within it there can be, and there is, feeling and emotion. But the feeling and emotion are not derived from a personal me. The feeling and emotion are derived from the absence of a personal me.
'There is profound responsibility in being Love,' ...more than the mind could imagine or hold up under. If most human beings truly realized the impact that they have on the whole, they'd be crushed by the realization of it.
- Adyashanti, from The Impact of Awakening
I was recently told this is the 1st of my many divorces because I'm not going to find what I'm looking for. Are my wants/needs too far-fetched? Am I reaching for something unattainable?
So I thought I should write down what I want so I don't lose focus.
1. Respect simple enough, respect me & choices.
2. Laughter brighten everyone of my days.
3. Share my life don't want to change it or except it to revolve around you.
4. Challenge me both physically & mentally.
5. Openness be open to my thoughts & ideas.
6. Love me for me I'm learning to be comfortable with who I am.
7. Be careful with words I give a lot of weight into what is said.
8. Passion for life, love & sex.
Sounds simple enough... I keep asking myself would I be willing to trade anything out and at this point in my life, I'm going to say no. I am reaching for the stars & I'm willing fall in the process.
Wake up my world!
I'm standing in a field, faced to the wind. I take a deep breath, the sweet smell of grass & juniper send a sense of peace through me. I can feel the warmth of the sun on my body. The wind seems to be whispering songs in my ear. I smile.
I feel hands along my sides, drawing me close. I feel lips on my neck & a whisper of Hello, that voice sends shivers down my spine. I turn & I'm looking at a smile that melts away the world around me. We kiss briefly and that moment leaves me yearning for more. He pulls me slowly to a blanket, bottle of wine & a daydream. We pour a glass. From the ruby red of the color, to the smell of warm earth & hot summer wind, the wine reminds me of the joys of life. We take long sips letting it fill our souls with it's sensuous power. We kiss & this time we share our whole bodies, holding nothing back. The wind, the sun & the wine all-whispering, helping & telling us to never forget this moment....
Our eyes meet & we both have a look of desire, want & passion. I feel his body pressed against mine. He holds me so closely I can feel his heartbeat and smell the sweetness of the wine on his breath.
I can feel his fingers trace my subtle curves, his knowing hands stopping at the right places. The sheerness of my summer dress, lingering fingers & nibbles on my neck, make me long for more. He knows how to tease me. I pull him close & whisper how much I want him. But he already knows this. Do I have to beg? He tells me I can wait.
He stands over me now, I can't see his face, the sun is at his back, but I can feel his eyes on me. Without him blocking the cool summer wind, I can feel my skin beneath the sheer fabric. He pulls me up to him & I feel the warmth of his body. He slowly moves his hands up my sides & over my head. Taking the dress with him. As I feel the cool summer breeze on my bare skin, I can't help feeling alive & free. I draw my hands up to his chest & start to unbutton his shirt, taking my time. As his shirt falls to the ground I run my fingers down his back & I feel his body shudder beneath mine. I follow the outline of his waist & unbutton his shorts. We stand there for a moment letting the wind wash around us & again it whispers a song...
I often wonder what kind of old lady will I be. Cranky... Content... Drunk... Happy to be alive... Pissed off...
Words of wisdom for the youth.
Don't give a shit about the youth.
Stuck in my youth...
Refuse to admit I'm old... Act my age...
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
Sitting alone she stares out across the landscape. The only thing keeping her company is the wind in her hair & the rain on her face.
My last trip to Central Oregon got me thinking about my grandparents & my childhood playground. How they influenced me & in some way, still do. My grandmother was in one word, joy. Every time I think of her a smile washes over my face. She loved Christmas & had gift shaking presents down to an art. I still swear she told my sisters' & me to toss our cat into the packages to see if any would rip. She never wanted us kids to be idle. Always telling us to get outside & play. Or did she want some peace & quiet? Grandma once told us she would "stomp our asses into a mud puddle" if we didn't get out side.
My Grandfather passed away a few years before, so I have less memories of him. Even to this day, I can't smell original ChapStick without thinking of him. Him & I are a lot alike; I seem to have about 10 hobbies at once, just like him. He was a gentle grandfather. I never remember hearing him raise his voice. Even after my cousins, sisters & I would take his beloved tools in the canyon to build forts.
Oh, those forts!! A couple of years ago I sneaked behind their old home climber over the fence, found the same trail we used as kids & walked down into the canyon. Past the boulders we named & trees we climbed. I stopped a few times to grab a handful of sagebrush, I swear that smell is embedded deep in my soul. The memories hit me like a freight train. I found a familiar place to sit & closed my eyes long enough to hear my childhood laughter. Most of the rocks we had used lay untouched. I laid my hand gently upon them & felt a connection to the past, my past & felt peace. I knew right then and there, my past & the people in it had blessed me. The last time I had been there was the day my Grandmother passed away. I sat on that same spot and cried it seemed forever. I cried for my mom, for me & my childhood. I knew they would be selling that home, those memories & nothing would be the same. But this time I was crying for a very different reason, I was crying tears of happiness & joy.
People never seem to sit & listen for the laughter.
You're overreacting
I hear those words & it brings back so many bad memories. I'm only reacting to things that hurt me.
Please don't disregard my hurt & sadness as overreacting.
sadness for today!
I found this picture on the internet some months ago & it has stuck with me. I can close my eyes feel the cool autumn breeze, I can smell the yellowing leaves & I can hear my footsteps along the pebble path. Everything is peaceful & I'm alone.
My mom once said to me we are who we are when we're alone. For the most part I'm content alone. It's my time to recharge, evaluate & center myself.
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