I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.

Open communication.. Why does it seem so hard?

2008-12-01T11:37:00.000-08:00

My therapist mentioned or rather told me to view every conversation with sense of curiosity. But I still have a hard time becoming defensive and then withdrawn, when I'm in an argument. How do I remind myself what I know?

Jesus, I'm a fucking mess!

2008-09-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

Where do I go from here and where will my choices take me?

I'm so lost...

When do I say enough is enough?

I wake up some mornings & know what I want out of the day then as the day goes on, my thoughts get more foggy, more confused & a lot more about pleasing others. How in the world do I carry that morning sureness into the day? How do I get to the point where I'm happy at night?

Living without meaning,
Sleeping without dreaming,
Seeking without finding,
Slowly I’ve been drowning.

I need time to think. I just need time.. I need to be at peace with my wants... I need to learn I'm worth getting what I want.

My wish list:

Be happy with who I am.
Have a strong & confident voice.
Stop feeling manipulated by people.
Stop hating myself for being a doormat for so long.
Know myself well enough to be secure with my choices.

Seems simple enough? I realize I need to surround myself with friends who will help me achieve my goals. I don't have room in my life for people who will hold me back.

Random... Confused... Thoughts... Sureness

2008-09-10T15:39:00.001-07:00

What do we need out of relationships?
What is healthy?
Attachment vs. Love

Can you see the forest through the tress...

Can the whole picture be seen when you're standing too close...

I've been struggling with myself for a while & I need to come to terms with my needs...

I do have a mind of my own...

My ideal relationship would feel... ???

Saying things makes the thought real.

Do you know yourself well enough to be confident?

2008-08-29T12:20:00.000-07:00

I read something today that totally made since & rang very true with myself.. I never formed the words as well as she did.

I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who are comfortable separating the sex they have with the people they are, but I'm not. The sex I have is as much a part of who I am as the girl who loves to bake for her office coworkers. I mean, it's part of my identity. As much as I am a generous woman, I am a sexual one with a big love for intimacy and passion. I'm given to doting on partners, and I love selfishly receiving. I'm keen on orgasms. But I'm also keen on taking all night to get there sometimes. I seek power almost only in sexual exchanges, though sometimes in my life; but certainly there's a part of me that does seek that power. To deny that she exists, or to wrongly assert she's just a "mode" I operate under, would be to blatantly ignore a core part of who I can be, and often am.

Wow.. How true! For a while I did think it was something I needed to change about myself but then I realized if changed that I would fundamentally change who I am & how I view life.

How each of us gets to that point where we stop segregating who we are sexually with who we think we are morally, and realizing they don't have to be separate people, that we can (and often are) both, is a struggle I think some of us will be fighting for our whole lives. There will be no easy answer to how you get to that point of accepting the coexistence of your sexuality and your morality, and the realization that one need not cancel out the other.

Wow... Why is it so difficult, scary or for people to realize they are who they are? Outside forces tell how we should think, dress, what is right or wrong. While I'm not talking about murder; laws are here to protect people from harm. I'm talking about what makes us happy. What makes you tick? If you repress that part of you to show the world what is false, does anybody know the real you? Do you trust the world to know the real person? Do you know yourself well enough to be confident?
I'm almost to the point where you can like me or piss off. But I'm lacking confidence in myself. I don't know myself well enough not to let outside forces mold me. I'm hoping that will change soon.

Commitment to a slow lifestyle...

2008-08-17T15:53:00.000-07:00

As I think what I want out of life a few things keep coming up time & time again.. I want to Enjoy. Enjoy my life & that means slowing down. Time to enjoy great food, good music & amusing people.

Ginger Snaps

2008-08-16T21:02:00.000-07:00

As I sit here eating my way through a bag of ginger snaps, yes I stress eat, I asked my self when will I stop living my life for others?
I've had a plan all along & why do I listen to others & let them put doubt in my head?
My daughter told me today over dinner I'm the dumbest person she knows because I want to move to a different city. I'll will have enough money to get by for little over a month & look for a job full time. I want a job were I feel more then just a pawn... I want fulfillment... I to make a difference... I want to leave the world a little better then it was... What I don't want is just a fucking paycheck... I do not want to live for the money.

When she was talking at me, I could see her dad.

Why won't anyone trust me? Why does everyone think they know what's better for me then me?

A fine line

2008-08-11T11:14:00.000-07:00

I’m looking over my shoulder and not looking forward. I need to stop looking back & pay attention to the road ahead. He’s right I’m not letting go of the past because it gives me strength to move forward. That terrified girl is who I draw on when I see myself slipping & wanting to please everyone but myself. I need her to be a part of my life & that leaves no room for the cause of my pain. As I sit here I think about verbal abusive I can feel myself shrink & that is a feeling that scares me to death. I want to forget the pain but I can’t forget the courage it took to finally end my suffering. It’s a fine line I walk everyday; what to let go & what to keep.

True Love

2008-08-10T11:35:00.000-07:00

Love is a flame that burns everything other than itself. It is the destruction of all that is false and the fulfillment of all that is true...

True Love is far greater than anything that could be called personal. True Love is a non-personal miracle. It is the nature of reality itself. It is the natural and spontaneous expression of the undivided self.

Intuition of this degree of Love magnetically draws the individual toward it, and at the same time, causes fear to arise. This Love is seeking the dissolution of all separateness, all me-ness, all self concern.

Love cares not for the me, it cares only for that which is true, undivided and whole.When the me dissolves, when it surrenders itself to a unity far greater than anything the mind can comprehend, that is Love.

Non-personal Love is not a feeling, yet within it there can be, and there is, feeling and emotion. But the feeling and emotion are not derived from a personal me. The feeling and emotion are derived from the absence of a personal me.

'There is profound responsibility in being Love,' ...more than the mind could imagine or hold up under. If most human beings truly realized the impact that they have on the whole, they'd be crushed by the realization of it.

- Adyashanti, from The Impact of Awakening

Mental Check List...

2008-07-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

I was recently told this is the 1st of my many divorces because I'm not going to find what I'm looking for. Are my wants/needs too far-fetched? Am I reaching for something unattainable?
So I thought I should write down what I want so I don't lose focus.

1. Respect simple enough, respect me & choices.
2. Laughter brighten everyone of my days.
3. Share my life don't want to change it or except it to revolve around you.
4. Challenge me both physically & mentally.
5. Openness be open to my thoughts & ideas.
6. Love me for me I'm learning to be comfortable with who I am.
7. Be careful with words I give a lot of weight into what is said.
8. Passion for life, love & sex.

Sounds simple enough... I keep asking myself would I be willing to trade anything out and at this point in my life, I'm going to say no. I am reaching for the stars & I'm willing fall in the process.

Wake up my world!

My field...

2008-07-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

I'm standing in a field, faced to the wind. I take a deep breath, the sweet smell of grass & juniper send a sense of peace through me. I can feel the warmth of the sun on my body. The wind seems to be whispering songs in my ear. I smile.

I feel hands along my sides, drawing me close. I feel lips on my neck & a whisper of Hello, that voice sends shivers down my spine. I turn & I'm looking at a smile that melts away the world around me. We kiss briefly and that moment leaves me yearning for more. He pulls me slowly to a blanket, bottle of wine & a daydream. We pour a glass. From the ruby red of the color, to the smell of warm earth & hot summer wind, the wine reminds me of the joys of life. We take long sips letting it fill our souls with it's sensuous power. We kiss & this time we share our whole bodies, holding nothing back. The wind, the sun & the wine all-whispering, helping & telling us to never forget this moment....

Our eyes meet & we both have a look of desire, want & passion. I feel his body pressed against mine. He holds me so closely I can feel his heartbeat and smell the sweetness of the wine on his breath.

I can feel his fingers trace my subtle curves, his knowing hands stopping at the right places. The sheerness of my summer dress, lingering fingers & nibbles on my neck, make me long for more. He knows how to tease me. I pull him close & whisper how much I want him. But he already knows this. Do I have to beg? He tells me I can wait.

He stands over me now, I can't see his face, the sun is at his back, but I can feel his eyes on me. Without him blocking the cool summer wind, I can feel my skin beneath the sheer fabric. He pulls me up to him & I feel the warmth of his body. He slowly moves his hands up my sides & over my head. Taking the dress with him. As I feel the cool summer breeze on my bare skin, I can't help feeling alive & free. I draw my hands up to his chest & start to unbutton his shirt, taking my time. As his shirt falls to the ground I run my fingers down his back & I feel his body shudder beneath mine. I follow the outline of his waist & unbutton his shorts. We stand there for a moment letting the wind wash around us & again it whispers a song...

Old Age...

2008-07-07T15:11:00.001-07:00

I often wonder what kind of old lady will I be. Cranky... Content... Drunk... Happy to be alive... Pissed off...

Words of wisdom for the youth.

Don't give a shit about the youth.

Stuck in my youth...

Refuse to admit I'm old... Act my age...

Letting go...

2008-07-05T21:33:00.000-07:00

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

Iron Bars

2008-07-04T14:25:00.000-07:00

Sitting alone she stares out across the landscape. The only thing keeping her company is the wind in her hair & the rain on her face.

She breaths & wants warmth to fill her lungs but it's damp & cold. She kicks her feet to pick up speed, trying to fly away. Chains are holding her back. Iron bars holding fast to the ground.

She looks down & a puddle has formed. Clouds can cry. Washing away fear, sadness & dust that settle in our souls. The puddle looks back. She smiles & it smiles. She cries & it cries.

Her feet are pushing, kicking & swinging. Trying to find the strength to carry her away but the puddle remains.

Fuck this.. She stomps & the puddle is gone. Leaving dry earth & solid ground.

She gets off the swing & feels grounded. The movement stops & things stand still.

Oregon Memoires

2008-07-03T11:33:00.000-07:00

My last trip to Central Oregon got me thinking about my grandparents & my childhood playground. How they influenced me & in some way, still do. My grandmother was in one word, joy. Every time I think of her a smile washes over my face. She loved Christmas & had gift shaking presents down to an art. I still swear she told my sisters' & me to toss our cat into the packages to see if any would rip. She never wanted us kids to be idle. Always telling us to get outside & play. Or did she want some peace & quiet? Grandma once told us she would "stomp our asses into a mud puddle" if we didn't get out side.

My Grandfather passed away a few years before, so I have less memories of him. Even to this day, I can't smell original ChapStick without thinking of him. Him & I are a lot alike; I seem to have about 10 hobbies at once, just like him. He was a gentle grandfather. I never remember hearing him raise his voice. Even after my cousins, sisters & I would take his beloved tools in the canyon to build forts.
Oh, those forts!! A couple of years ago I sneaked behind their old home climber over the fence, found the same trail we used as kids & walked down into the canyon. Past the boulders we named & trees we climbed. I stopped a few times to grab a handful of sagebrush, I swear that smell is embedded deep in my soul. The memories hit me like a freight train. I found a familiar place to sit & closed my eyes long enough to hear my childhood laughter. Most of the rocks we had used lay untouched. I laid my hand gently upon them & felt a connection to the past, my past & felt peace. I knew right then and there, my past & the people in it had blessed me. The last time I had been there was the day my Grandmother passed away. I sat on that same spot and cried it seemed forever. I cried for my mom, for me & my childhood. I knew they would be selling that home, those memories & nothing would be the same. But this time I was crying for a very different reason, I was crying tears of happiness & joy.
People never seem to sit & listen for the laughter.

Overreacting...

2008-07-02T15:43:00.000-07:00

You're overreacting

I hear those words & it brings back so many bad memories. I'm only reacting to things that hurt me.

Please don't disregard my hurt & sadness as overreacting.

sadness for today!

Alone with myself

2008-07-01T14:30:00.000-07:00

I found this picture on the internet some months ago & it has stuck with me. I can close my eyes feel the cool autumn breeze, I can smell the yellowing leaves & I can hear my footsteps along the pebble path. Everything is peaceful & I'm alone.
My mom once said to me we are who we are when we're alone. For the most part I'm content alone. It's my time to recharge, evaluate & center myself.

Forgiveness

2008-06-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness?

The Current

2008-06-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

Sitting at the waters edge... Toes dipping in... Fearful of the cold that will follow.
Not knowing how deep & where the current flows sends a chill down her spine...

Friends

2007-07-02T10:46:00.000-07:00

I had dinner with a friend last night who I hadn't seen in at least two years. We had a great time & ended up talking for 4 hours.
I was nervous about having dinner with her because of how we meant & I know my husband doesn't fully trust me. Will he ever trust me with friends?
I started thinking about the friends I have in my life & how I have nobody I can pour my heart out to. With D I didn't think twice about saying something to offend her or something too off color. We talked about how most women are caddy & back stabbers with friendships & why great friends are hard to come by. I wonder if men have this same problem?
I've always had more male friends then female. I'm ok with it. When I stopped drinking one of my closes friends ending up saying "You can a couple long island iced teas" Some friend huh?
I'm just babbling today... I have a lot on my mind... D said I must have a ping-pong ball or two bouncing around in there somewhere, I can't keep a train of thought to save my life. She listened to me talk about my marriage & said I really don't have a clue what I'm doing.. Finally someone gets it, I don't have a fucking clue! I don't have a grand plan. The only thing I want is peace, respect, trust & freedom.

A reminder to myself

2007-07-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

I want a divorce. There I said it.. Please respect this decision & me. I’m done fighting for what I thought I want. I have no energy. I’m so tired. We both deserve more. You deserve someone to love you. I deserve trust & support in my life. The fact you read my emails upsets me & the fact you copied them makes me sick to my stomach. It’s a total invasion of my privacy & you seem to think nothing of it. I sat down after lunch & realized most of the stress in my life is your problems you have with me. I need peace. I need comfort. I’m doing this for me. This is my life & I’m at a point where I don’t want to share it with anyone but Hannah. I don’t want to have to ask or involve anyone. Call it selfish or whatever. I’m sorry. Sorry I wasn’t strong enough to voice my problems years ago. Sorry I was weak & didn’t stand up to you. Sorry I can’t forget the past. Sorry I take everything to heart. This is my life & my decision. I know I should tell you all this in person but I don’t feel comfortable enough to know you would let me leave or do whatever to talk me out of it.

I wrote that note a few weeks ago & need to remind myself not of getting a divorce but what I want & expect. I need to remember not to let my guard down or to let things slide. I have been nit-picking lately & hate coming off that way. But I will not lower my exceptions.
For so long I was a wife who would let herself get walked all over, never speak her mind & avoid confrontation at all cost. That is not the person I want to be any longer. I'm trying my hardest to walk a fine line of having a voice, getting what I need out of life & a partner and not sound like a total bitch.

Time of change...

2007-06-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

Well I'm doing it.. I'm moving to a different city & away from my comfort zone. Sink or swim it's all no me now. I want to live with no regrets. I need to take control.
I need to do this for me & I know not everyone will understand. My husband tells me he has people telling him why I can't stay with him & work on finding myself at the same time... People who haven't been in a controlling & verbally abusive marriage can not understand.
I don't want a divorce, I want support & understanding. I want to be able to live my life. I have always lived my life for someone else.. 1st is was my parents & then it was my husband. He tells me he'll give me space & time to fall back in love with him.... For now we'll stay married.. Not date anyone.. I'll move & find out what I want in my life. Time will only tell!
I can never forgive for him saying I was worthless in front of our daughter. Verbal abusive is something that takes a toll on your soul & your self worth & now I'm left to pick up the pieces. I don't have the energy in invest in a relationship. I need to focus on my needs & wants.

Watchfulness on swinging

2007-06-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

Love... Lust... Affection...

Where does one stop & the other begin?

My husband & I were in the "lifestyle" for a few years & we're still trying on figure out what the hell we were doing? Were we looking to add to OUR marriage or did we each have a different reason? I know for me it gave me an outlet to explore being BI.

I did find my two closes friends & while my husband will never fully trust me with them, I know the friendships have grown out of lust & turned into affection.

I love the energy of friends.. What more can I say.. I'm still trying to get a grip on all that happened & all the mistakes that were made. I do have advice for anyone thinking about exploring...

Do it for yourself. If you do it just because your partner wants to, you're domed!
Talk, talk & talk some more. If the talks turn into arguments.. STOP!
Don't let things slid or sweep it under the rug. Speak up right then & there.
Go with your gut feeling. You will most always be in the right.
Use protection every single time.
Don't ever do anything while trashed.
Agree on each couple you meet.
NEVER EVER take the lifestyle over family or real friends. This can not be stressed more.

This is a subject I'm quite comfortable talking about. While I doubt I will ever be involved in it again, I still find it very interesting & kudos if your relationship is strong enough to survive.

Happy F***ing Birthday

2007-06-27T09:28:00.000-07:00

I recently turned 34! I'm in my "late" 30's as a friend so kindly put it & I guess it's time to take stock of my life. What have a I learned up until now?

Nothing is better then a great fitting bra.
Speak your mind.
You can never have enough shoes.
Be honest with yourself.
Be honest with those close to you.
Don't give too much to people who take advantage of it.
Say no & stand by it.
Happiness needs to come from within yourself.

I have thought lately about my life & lack of direction. Like many women I was married young, started a family & didn't think much of a career. I always found such joy in taking care of my family. And now with my daughter 14 & my marriage on the rocks, I find myself empty. I have this desire to make things better. I want to search out ways to help. I want to make a difference.

I'm searching... Searching for myself... Searching for answers...

Welcome!