A fine line

I’m looking over my shoulder and not looking forward. I need to stop looking back & pay attention to the road ahead. He’s right I’m not letting go of the past because it gives me strength to move forward. That terrified girl is who I draw on when I see myself slipping & wanting to please everyone but myself. I need her to be a part of my life & that leaves no room for the cause of my pain. As I sit here I think about verbal abusive I can feel myself shrink & that is a feeling that scares me to death. I want to forget the pain but I can’t forget the courage it took to finally end my suffering. It’s a fine line I walk everyday; what to let go & what to keep.

True Love

Love is a flame that burns everything other than itself. It is the destruction of all that is false and the fulfillment of all that is true...

True Love is far greater than anything that could be called personal. True Love is a non-personal miracle. It is the nature of reality itself. It is the natural and spontaneous expression of the undivided self.

Intuition of this degree of Love magnetically draws the individual toward it, and at the same time, causes fear to arise. This Love is seeking the dissolution of all separateness, all me-ness, all self concern.

Love cares not for the me, it cares only for that which is true, undivided and whole.When the me dissolves, when it surrenders itself to a unity far greater than anything the mind can comprehend, that is Love.

Non-personal Love is not a feeling, yet within it there can be, and there is, feeling and emotion. But the feeling and emotion are not derived from a personal me. The feeling and emotion are derived from the absence of a personal me.

'There is profound responsibility in being Love,' ...more than the mind could imagine or hold up under. If most human beings truly realized the impact that they have on the whole, they'd be crushed by the realization of it.

- Adyashanti, from The Impact of Awakening

Mental Check List...

I was recently told this is the 1st of my many divorces because I'm not going to find what I'm looking for. Are my wants/needs too far-fetched? Am I reaching for something unattainable?
So I thought I should write down what I want so I don't lose focus.

1. Respect simple enough, respect me & choices.
2. Laughter brighten everyone of my days.
3. Share my life don't want to change it or except it to revolve around you.
4. Challenge me both physically & mentally.
5. Openness be open to my thoughts & ideas.
6. Love me for me I'm learning to be comfortable with who I am.
7. Be careful with words I give a lot of weight into what is said.
8. Passion for life, love & sex.

Sounds simple enough... I keep asking myself would I be willing to trade anything out and at this point in my life, I'm going to say no. I am reaching for the stars & I'm willing fall in the process.

Wake up my world!

Jesus, I'm a fucking mess!

Where do I go from here and where will my choices take me?

I'm so lost...




When do I say enough is enough?

I wake up some mornings & know what I want out of the day then as the day goes on, my thoughts get more foggy, more confused & a lot more about pleasing others. How in the world do I carry that morning sureness into the day? How do I get to the point where I'm happy at night?

Living without meaning,
Sleeping without dreaming,
Seeking without finding,
Slowly I’ve been drowning.

I need time to think. I just need time.. I need to be at peace with my wants... I need to learn I'm worth getting what I want.

My wish list:

1. Be happy with who I am.
2. Have a strong & confident voice.
3. Stop feeling manipulated by people.
4. Stop hating myself for being a doormat for so long.
5. Know myself well enough to be secure with my choices.

Seems simple enough? I realize I need to surround myself with friends who will help me achieve my goals. I don't have room in my life for people who will hold me back.

Random... Confused... Thoughts... Sureness

What do we need out of relationships?
What is healthy?
Attachment vs. Love

Can you see the forest through the tress...

Can the whole picture be seen when you're standing too close...

I've been struggling with myself for a while & I need to come to terms with my needs...

I do have a mind of my own...

My ideal relationship would feel... ???

Saying things makes the thought real.

Do you know yourself well enough to be confident?

I read something today that totally made since & rang very true with myself.. I never formed the words as well as she did.

I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who are comfortable separating the sex they have with the people they are, but I'm not. The sex I have is as much a part of who I am as the girl who loves to bake for her office coworkers. I mean, it's part of my identity. As much as I am a generous woman, I am a sexual one with a big love for intimacy and passion. I'm given to doting on partners, and I love selfishly receiving. I'm keen on orgasms. But I'm also keen on taking all night to get there sometimes. I seek power almost only in sexual exchanges, though sometimes in my life; but certainly there's a part of me that does seek that power. To deny that she exists, or to wrongly assert she's just a "mode" I operate under, would be to blatantly ignore a core part of who I can be, and often am.

Wow.. How true! For a while I did think it was something I needed to change about myself but then I realized if changed that I would fundamentally change who I am & how I view life.

How each of us gets to that point where we stop segregating who we are sexually with who we think we are morally, and realizing they don't have to be separate people, that we can (and often are) both, is a struggle I think some of us will be fighting for our whole lives. There will be no easy answer to how you get to that point of accepting the coexistence of your sexuality and your morality, and the realization that one need not cancel out the other.

Wow... Why is it so difficult, scary or for people to realize they are who they are? Outside forces tell how we should think, dress, what is right or wrong. While I'm not talking about murder; laws are here to protect people from harm. I'm talking about what makes us happy. What makes you tick? If you repress that part of you to show the world what is false, does anybody know the real you? Do you trust the world to know the real person? Do you know yourself well enough to be confident?
I'm almost to the point where you can like me or piss off. But I'm lacking confidence in myself. I don't know myself well enough not to let outside forces mold me. I'm hoping that will change soon.

Commitment to a slow lifestyle...

As I think what I want out of life a few things keep coming up time & time again.. I want to Enjoy. Enjoy my life & that means slowing down. Time to enjoy great food, good music & amusing people.