My therapist mentioned or rather told me to view every conversation with sense of curiosity. But I still have a hard time becoming defensive and then withdrawn, when I'm in an argument. How do I remind myself what I know?
Where do I go from here and where will my choices take me?
I'm so lost...
When do I say enough is enough?
I wake up some mornings & know what I want out of the day then as the day goes on, my thoughts get more foggy, more confused & a lot more about pleasing others. How in the world do I carry that morning sureness into the day? How do I get to the point where I'm happy at night?
What do we need out of relationships?
What is healthy?
Attachment vs. Love
Can you see the forest through the tress...
Can the whole picture be seen when you're standing too close...
I've been struggling with myself for a while & I need to come to terms with my needs...
I do have a mind of my own...
My ideal relationship would feel... ???
Saying things makes the thought real.
I read something today that totally made since & rang very true with myself.. I never formed the words as well as she did.
I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who are comfortable separating the sex they have with the people they are, but I'm not. The sex I have is as much a part of who I am as the girl who loves to bake for her office coworkers. I mean, it's part of my identity. As much as I am a generous woman, I am a sexual one with a big love for intimacy and passion. I'm given to doting on partners, and I love selfishly receiving. I'm keen on orgasms. But I'm also keen on taking all night to get there sometimes. I seek power almost only in sexual exchanges, though sometimes in my life; but certainly there's a part of me that does seek that power. To deny that she exists, or to wrongly assert she's just a "mode" I operate under, would be to blatantly ignore a core part of who I can be, and often am.
Wow.. How true! For a while I did think it was something I needed to change about myself but then I realized if changed that I would fundamentally change who I am & how I view life.
How each of us gets to that point where we stop segregating who we are sexually with who we think we are morally, and realizing they don't have to be separate people, that we can (and often are) both, is a struggle I think some of us will be fighting for our whole lives. There will be no easy answer to how you get to that point of accepting the coexistence of your sexuality and your morality, and the realization that one need not cancel out the other.
Wow... Why is it so difficult, scary or for people to realize they are who they are? Outside forces tell how we should think, dress, what is right or wrong. While I'm not talking about murder; laws are here to protect people from harm. I'm talking about what makes us happy. What makes you tick? If you repress that part of you to show the world what is false, does anybody know the real you? Do you trust the world to know the real person? Do you know yourself well enough to be confident?
I'm almost to the point where you can like me or piss off. But I'm lacking confidence in myself. I don't know myself well enough not to let outside forces mold me. I'm hoping that will change soon.
As I think what I want out of life a few things keep coming up time & time again.. I want to Enjoy. Enjoy my life & that means slowing down. Time to enjoy great food, good music & amusing people.
As I sit here eating my way through a bag of ginger snaps, yes I stress eat, I asked my self when will I stop living my life for others?
I've had a plan all along & why do I listen to others & let them put doubt in my head?
My daughter told me today over dinner I'm the dumbest person she knows because I want to move to a different city. I'll will have enough money to get by for little over a month & look for a job full time. I want a job were I feel more then just a pawn... I want fulfillment... I to make a difference... I want to leave the world a little better then it was... What I don't want is just a fucking paycheck... I do not want to live for the money.
When she was talking at me, I could see her dad.
Why won't anyone trust me? Why does everyone think they know what's better for me then me?
I’m looking over my shoulder and not looking forward. I need to stop looking back & pay attention to the road ahead. He’s right I’m not letting go of the past because it gives me strength to move forward. That terrified girl is who I draw on when I see myself slipping & wanting to please everyone but myself. I need her to be a part of my life & that leaves no room for the cause of my pain. As I sit here I think about verbal abusive I can feel myself shrink & that is a feeling that scares me to death. I want to forget the pain but I can’t forget the courage it took to finally end my suffering. It’s a fine line I walk everyday; what to let go & what to keep.
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